::::the last one....::::
Ben, the campbell, passed on today, 22oct2003.... at age of almost 3 years old....
after feeding the wheekies, i pulled out Ben's tank to feed him too.....
something's not right....
he didnt come out of his igloo..
he didnt 'dance' that crazy gerbil-dance....
he was sleeping.... sleeping soundly in his 'bed'...
he loves his igloo so much, he eats, poos (alot), drags all the bedding into it..
now, he sleeps in it.. and never woke up......
his eyes were closed....
i couldnt believe my eyes.......
tears welled up.... i sniffed it back...
i didnt know what to do...
it's been a very very long time since i saw a dead hamster....
i pushed his tank back..
i really didnt know what to do... how to react....
i sat down on my bed... and continued to read my book.....
then i messaged my hubby and hamhams (she liked the way he did his gerbil-dance)....
only then reality set back in...
i took the igloo out.. and took a few last photos of him... (usually i dont do such a thing but he really looked like he was 'just sleeping'....)
he was starting to reek...
i removed the igloo's top and i held his tiny paw... for the last time... and lifted him out from the 'nest' he made around him....
placed him on tissue and stroked his little furry body... he wasnt very 'rigormortified' yet....then i wrapped him up...
it's too late to go downstairs now.. so i will have to bury him tomorow...
i placed the wrapped body back into the igloo... and put the cover on.....
he's still in there.. the tiny white body....
i love u little Ben....
go find ur brother across the rainbow bridge ok?
i looked at the igloo and remember clearly telling hamhams that if anyone wants to adopt him, the igloo would have to go with him....
he cant live without his igloo....
hahahahaha
i miss him so much already...
Ben, mummy's no good.... im sorry little Ben..... i wasnt there with u.......
im sorry......
posted by Inoriz at 9:37 AM
::::the last of my hamsters::::
i just passed the three boys to Hamhams.....
along with their toys etc....
suddenly, my room feels empty.....
it was once cluttered with many tiny creatures and they run their wheels, chew the cage bars, dig in the beddings, chew on the water bottles, squeak etc every night.....
this huge number became smaller and smaller.....
until i was down to 3 syrians, 1 old campbell and 1 old gerbil.....
now, im just left with the old campbell (Ben) and the old gerbil.. (Bill)....
these two may just leave anytime...
well, Bill's brother just left two days ago........
of course, the pigs are still around.... but they wont be around for long either....
i feel that i have failed miserably in being a pet owner....
im so burdened by my own problems and i admit being emotionally unstable....... but yet i brought home so many pets...
i regret tagging prices to the newborns...
i am disgusted with myself...
why did i have to sell the animals?
why did i have to breed them when i cant be responsible for them in the first place?
it saddens me to watch them grow without enough love from their owner...
it saddens me when some of them dont even recognise me.... (which is not at all surprising...)
i just hope Sue, Anirtep and Springflowers will take good care of them.....
and i hope im allowed to visit them sometime.....
but there's one person i must really thank..
i cant thank her enough....
Joyce has been boarding my piggies for so long.....
and they are soooo well-kept and big sized....
and she refuses to take anything from me....
but this time, i must insist, when i pass her the last of my pigs, that i buy food for them at LEAST once....
she is only a student and dont earn much.....
i wonder why a person like me deserve to know such nice people....
i was clearing my emails and chanced upon the old emails he wrote to me...
most of the long long ones are the ones which hurt the most...
sometimes, i just want to delete them...
afterall, have i not forgiven and moved on...?
"forgive, forget..."
maybe i am not able to do that yet....
sometimes i just wonder, if i have made the right choice...
would i change...?
would i falter...?
would HE change...?
would HE falter...?
im a failure in many ways...
so what if i am good in japanese class?
so what if i breezed through 13 years of education?
i have failed my pets.. by neglecting them
i have failed my mom.. by disobeying her
i have failed my boyfriend.... by..... by not being..... able to be more matured and understanding....
maybe im just scared of losing everyone and everything...
i really want to live my life that of a recluse......
but yet, i really want to go out there and learn as much as i can...
there are so many things i do not know... i do not understand and i want to know these things.. i want to understand these things....
im not happy where i am...
im not happy with myself..
im not happy with the life i am living now......
only i can change it...
but i cant change it, if i dont even know where i want to go or what i want to do....
sometimes, i really wish i can have a dog...
a dog who will go wherever i go....
a dog who is dependent on me... so i have full responsibility of him....
a dog who can listen to all my sorrows and troubles..
a dog who loves me unconditionally....
a dog whom i can give my love and care to...
a dog who will protect me when harm comes my way...
a dog who is part of me....
a dog who will never part with me......
maybe it's because, with a dog, the only thing that can cause our seperation is death...
he wont have to go away to work...
if i have to work, i would want to bring him with me....
im just sad..
coz not even my family members understand me....
i dont think anyone understands me....
i dont think anyone wants or needs me... not even the pigs.. not even the hamsters...
i am JUST ANOTHER human being on earth...
what difference does it make to anyone?
im just competing for oxygen with the rest.. thats all...
people will change...
what if........ what if he forgets me... if he has to wait too long...?
what if he change his mind....?
i have, afterall, angered him so much before....
im lazy and incapable of thinking logically at times....
why would someone of his age, even want to be with me....
im still so immature and childish...
im still so lost and clueless to what i want to do.....
sometimes..... i just want to die.......
posted by Inoriz at 12:44 AM
::::im still alive::::
ok... it;s been so long... no computer... but surprisingly, im not really bothered by having no comp except for the times when i wanna do my portfolio............
i wonder what it takes to make a mother happy...
to see a child suffer? or to have the child be happy..?
by the way, to those who dont already know, GOD lives in our HEARTS....
NOT in our brain...... understand?
sheesh...
i bought me a new pair of jeans...
i think u all can guess la huh...
levis lor...
wat else....
(damn!! i had a 'lor' in my passage!)
it's the type 1 jeans...
the salesgirl asked me what size and i couldnt remember...
so i said 30?
and she looked at me and then at my waist and said... "30 is huge u know?"
and i was thinking "im not very slender u noe..."
anyway she took a 29....
was WAAAYYY too big... HAHAHAHAHAHHAH
den.... she took a 28... STILL big....
27 is just nice.. and im wearing it now... HOHOHO.....
i printed so many.. errr.. actually.. 4 only... t-shirts yesterday.....
i designed 2 of them and blew up SMAP's KIMURA TAKUYA picture and printed on one t-shirt and the other was a gorrillaz design which i chose from the shop itself.....
i wanna design more tees man!!!
but... no comp.... = no typography.....
coz my handwriting sux...........
im just babbling nonsense...
sigh...
im actually still kinda sad.....
koz of things happening at home.....
pls lemme pull thru this period.......
pls...............
posted by Inoriz at 4:16 AM
