::thE vOid:: |
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huge, empty space where an irritating fly lives in.....devoid of all feelings......
Archives
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Tuesday, July 29, 2003
::::cut myself off:::: you know something? ive been thinking very much about cutting myself..... wonder if physical pain can erase emotional pain... yeah i will try it.... it's been on my mind for days....... ::::uncontrollable tears....:::: i've got 107 days to countdown... and im only up to day 12..... 95 days more.... how long can i last w/o him....?? he's always on my mind... i cant shake him off no matter how hard i try...... he's always there...... im always thinking of him WHEREVER i am and WHATEVER i do..... i walked into NTUC last nite... and i just..... broke down..... used to walk into supermarts with him... he would get himself a bottle of orange juice, carrot juice or a can of peppermint green tea......... then he'll get me a pack of fresh milk.... sometimes, he would buy bananas to eat... sometimes, it would be vine tomatoes......... i will then choose the veggies for my animals......... den we will pay and walk out together....... it's just simple daily life things... i have been so close to him... doing most things TOGETHER..... how can i ever get used his absence????? i was in his house a few days back to collect some things he wanted me to send to him.... i walked the 'snail-path' to his house... alone..... in the rain... no him to come and greet me...... like before....... his room was changed........ his brother, came back from overseas for holiday, slept on his bed.... the 4-storey bed we both stacked up..... bedsheets were changed..... pillows were different... all his things were packed aside and his table was cleared for his brother's computer......... i felt a pinch in my heart...... when i saw his brother on the bed we used to share... his brother and his gf........... everything's different when he's not around............ i miss him so much.......... i miss everything we did together...... i miss him.... every bit of him..... i miss doing his laundry for him.... i miss bringing out the dogs with him...... i miss holding his hands.... i miss just staring and lookin at him....... i miss bus rides with him...... i miss eating with him.... i miss him scolding me when i dont do something right..... i miss his voice... i miss his silly actions and ideas.... i miss his hugs.... i miss his kisses..... i miss his laziness and reluctance in getting up every morning...... i miss being beside someone i love so much.............................. japanese class is never the same without him.... altho i made a good fren, i cant wait for japanese class to stop in august....... everytime i go there..... im all quiet and lonely... tho my new fren is always beside me..... the feeling is different.............. everytime i take notes, i would make mental note to write them down for him too.... and i would imagine him telling me, "wow.... so much to remember!!! she's going so fast!".............. shit... im even starting to imagine him being beside me.......... how can i put my feelings in words........... have u tried not thinking of someone..... but he's literally IN YOUR HEAD??? ive never missed anyone so much before...... i dream of him EVERY NITE.... these 12 nites...... my dreams are all about him......... i dont think i can get used to it...... if i get used to it, it would be trouble.... coz that is when i start to love him less...... and i dont ever want that to happen.... tell me how can i not feel so much hurt...? pls... someone tell me....... i cant take it.......... i tried hard to be strong...... but the strong front can only last few days...... i would break down after that few days of not crying......... my heart hurts........ if only i had wings...... i would fly to him.... right now... if he saw me crying now.... would he take me into his arms....? ive never loved someone like this before................ ive never felt such strong feelings before............. and yet, i want him to be there... not here... i want to GO TO HIM... not him come to me........... and this is the hardest thing for me to do........ all the uncertainties..... all the worrying about how to stay with him...... sometimes... i just wished we were married... then we could be together w/o any problems....... he didnt email me yesterday... is he busy....? or is he sick of me already........... is he ok..? maybe i dont deserve emails from him........ maybe im just being very stupid....... but i just........ miss him so much......... every email sent by him puts a smile on my face and brightens up my day..... does he know that?? is it insignificant to him....? im scared...... im scared of losing him.......... he's so far away..... 3 months is a long time............ im really afraid......... sigh..... nakichu..... there is something i wanna tell you.... and it's something you would hear from me for the rest of your life... if we ever get together......... " wo ai ni..... " Saturday, July 26, 2003
::::chinese character::::  EARTH is your chinese symbol! What Chinese Symbol Are You? brought to you by Quizilla HAHAHAHAHAHHA wtf... 'earth' is 'tu(3)' or 'di(4)' in chinese wot...... wat 'qiu(2)'?!?!??! BALL???? LOL~!!!! damn fucked up lar quizilla....... Thursday, July 24, 2003
::::maybe ive been forgotten...:::: maybe ive shrunk to an infinite figure.... maybe my tears and heartaches mean nothing... maybe my existence is unwanted.... maybe the world hates me... im fuckin tired. im slogging like hell and THIS is wat i get..... so fucking tired..... who even bothers reading wat i have to say? who cares? maybe i should just not write anymore.. maybe i should just not talk anymore.... who listens anyway? nobody fucking understands...... u all just think im happy and smiling and cheering you on... right? but just let you noe.... im not that strong as u think. im human too... and im not a goddess... i really should stop reading... stop writing... stop communicating... it's hurting me far more than anything else.... i dont wanna write anymore.. not to anybody.... not even to myself..... i wont write anymore.... Wednesday, July 23, 2003
::::lonliness..........emptiness.....::::  You represent... loneliness. Always alone and always sad about it... unlike angst, you don't have to look for a reason to be miserable. You want to be in the company of people but aren't sure how to act when you're with them. Sometimes you have to make an effort. You can't always wait for others to come to you. What feeling do you represent? brought to you by Quizilla ::::boohaa::::  You are Dory!! You may be forgetful all of the time, but who cares! you are cheerful in times where you should be a little more serious. You are also very optomistic, when you look at a glass, you find it half full, not half empty. Which Finding Nemo Character are you? brought to you by Quizilla Tuesday, July 22, 2003
::::fuck M1:::: today, M1 sent me a voice message 6 days late... i heard his voice, tellin me to call him back... and the number was his house number.... i didnt know it was 6 days late and my heart skipped many beats..... in confusion, i deleted that voice message.. i called his house number... but no one picked up the phone... questions raced thru my head..., wat happened? why is he back??? i called his cousin.... and only realised that M1 has such horrible service............ thank u M1 for giving me a message 6 days late...... he's not back....... he's still far away.... and i miss him so much..... jus as i was tryin to get used to life without him around, M1 had to do this to me........... i cant stop crying now....... i feel so miserable....... i really really miss him so much.......that..........i dont know how to describe how i feel..... i want so much to see him again......... i miss him so much............ Friday, July 18, 2003
::::personality disorder test::::
Thursday, July 17, 2003
::::meet me halfway....:::: he left this morning.... heartbroken i am...... i cant stop thinking of him... time seems to pass too slowly and painfully...... i have too much on my mind and he isnt here to cuddle me, to ensure everything is alrite.... maybe im being too dependant and 'sticky' to him.... dearest naki..... i miss you so much........ how can i even explain that feeling in words????? i miss you so so so so much......... please take care of yourself ok..... i will take care of myself...... when you are not here.... but please dont leave me here too long ok..... i will take care of you when i meet you halfway.... i promise.... i'll always wear the ring.... i'll never forget the armanian church you brought me to..... i'll never let go of the dreams we both share..... i promise i be with you for as long as i live..... thank you so much for all the things and the care and concern you have given me..... 'thank you' isnt enuff.... all the fun we had together, all the happy times we spent together and also the hard times with endured and went thru together..... it seems like 8 years already doesnt it? we'll continue to fill the album with happy photos and it's the hard times AND good times between each happy photo that bonds us closer.... i agree this is the test of time.... i will pass this test, naki.... i will meet you halfway..... i promise....... Monday, July 14, 2003
::::sigh....:::: im so tired.... wake up so early.... sleep so late.... (and the cycle continues....) i feel so lost, empty, sad and other withdrawal symptoms u can think about... most of the time, i feel empty... and like..... totally lost..... duno the meaning of life anymore... and yeah.. i try to be strong.... but lookin forward makes me TIRED...... im so sick and tired... of WONDERING whats the future gonna be.. my mom doesnt help at all... sometimes, i lose all hope and energy to fight.... i just feel like sleeping for one year...... ive been having dreams and images of myself being involved in an accident.... car accident.. sometimes im knocked down by a car and sometimes im in a car/vehicle and another vehicle bangs into the vehicle im in... and crushing me under all that metal..... sigh.... im not even gonna INTEPRET all these... and so coincidental he keeps tellin me to CROSS THE ROAD carefully.... he doesnt know abt the dreams/images tho..... and after he reads this, he'll noe.... basikally, i feel tired and stressed and lost and empty... im left with only.....2 days...... time passes so fast when we're together... but when we r not............ it seems like eternity.... i just got two internet bills.. one for old account and one for new account.. total is $150... cool eh...? i wonder if i can go rob a bank tomorrow or something.... it's totally uncool to be jobless, poor and living in THIS fucked up country at the same time.... no one can promise anything... i cant even promise myself anything...... im just so tired... i wanna sleep for years... im THAT tired... nobody believes me..... im drained... physically and mentally... and emotionally too...... Friday, July 11, 2003
::::it feels like....:::: i feel like i have cardiac arrest... my heart just wishes to stop beating........ find it hard to breathe..... im counting down the days till i wont get to see him... till a very very long time......... im left with only 5 days... FIVE short days........ who's gonna carry my bag when you're not here? who's gonna eat meepok with me..... who's gonna be close to me... send me home..... take care of me....... when you're not here....?? i love you so much...... i miss you so much.... words are not enough to express how i feel.... i would be in limbo....when u not here glen...... i miss you too darn much....... 3mths is already a long time... i will FIGHT hard to go meet u in 3 mths time..... i cant wait any longer... there wont be a force strong enough to propell me for more than 3 mths.... i want to be with you..... i want to be with you so much... im willing to do ANYTHING.... jus to be with you....... i dont usually post my pic... but here's one taken at his cousin's wedding..... 
i think he looked gorgeous in jacket suit.... in fact, he looks gorgeous no matter what.... Thursday, July 10, 2003
::::that stab in my heart:::: it pains me so much...... although we would be together again.... i would go up and see him.... but that would be 2 to 3 mths later....... and i dont even know if i would be held back by certain reasons.......... it hurt so much that i even dreamt of him leaving.... and woke up in tears... i only managed to sleep for 4 hrs.... spent most of the night tossing and turning..... i know all these he does... is for our future together..... but i miss him so much............. so damn much......... i want these 2-3 mths to pass quickly..... im suffering........ i dont want my heart to go astray.... i dont want his heart to go astray too..... i want to be with him..... i left... six days... before he leaves...... after that, i cant see him, touch him, smell him... feel him....... people reading this blog..... if u love someone... dont take him/her for granted.... dont treat them badly.... coz u will only regret and feel the pain when he/she leaves.... the first few days or maybe even weeks would be very hard.... i have to fill up my sundays.... or else it'll be really empty....... just like E.A left a gaping hole in my heart, his leaving.... even though it's not forever, left a stab, bleeding, painful hole in my heart...... sometimes... i feel a lump in my throat...... cant swallow..... i will work hard in this period.... god.... pls help me.... bring me to him in october...... i promise to work very hard and save up..... i promise to be good to him for life.... please bring me to him and let me stay with him till he comes back.... please......... ::::.............:::: to me, the BEST thing you can hope for or want for someone u truly love, is for that person to be happy..... im immatured and i cant see far into the future nor know wats best for the both of us..... n ive failed him very very very badly.......... i cant help being what i am and who i am..... it's what makes me, ME...... i dont think it will ever work out.... i'd be blamed for the rest of my life if i were to hang on to him..... i guess it's really time i gave up..... Cled said that i hung on only becoz i wish for a better tomorrow..... and who doesnt? but i guess, a 'better tomorrow' will only come if we break up..... i wont impede on his career anymore.... Cled said that he regarded me as his future wife..... hahahahhahaha "for richer, for poorer... in good health and in ill health.... for better, for worse.. to stay together forever...." Cled said that he was serious abt me.... i guess i really let him down...... he has an age over me... and maybe it's really a huge obstacle... im selfish to want him beside me all the freaking time... and he's right.... he can be here but his heart not here... it'll just be an empty shell...... to be frank... im really tired.... tired of all these..... i dont want to be blamed for the rest of my life..... i just dont want to be heartbroken again and again and again AND AGAIN... Cled said i keep hanging on not becoz im stupid.... but i believe for a better tomorrow.... sometimes, you just wanna keep on trying... not give up.... sometimes....... you just get very discouraged and tired...... i know i was in the wrong... if you are reading this, glen..... i pray you get what you want in life.... i dont wish to be contacted by you anymore... and i wont contact you either.... i dont need my things back... you can throw them away. even there are some things i left there that i want to have back..... but if i can lose you, the things.... i can live without..... i will pass the hard-disk to Cled..... i have lost all hope.... i need to grow up... and i think it's a good time now.... im sorry about the china thing and what i wrote on the blog... for better for worse..... i wish you the best... i pray there are more and better opportunities coming your way... and that you find yourself a better woman..... much better woman.... we almost made it..... but i had to throw it all away.................................. i hate myself so much. how can i even love you if i hate myself... i cant even love myself properly..... how can i even love you..... Wednesday, July 09, 2003
::::dearest E.A:::: they found you at the corridor of their flat... they brought you to the pet shop i was working in.... they said "i found this hamster! he must have escaped.... my dog will eat him up if we keep it.... so can you help us put him up for adoption?" "sure" i said..... they took you out.... you were so cute!.... that shiny gold coat of yours... and the black, shiny eyes.... your nose never stopped sniffing around....... i put you in a tank at the back room..... and carried on my duties..... hours later in the evening, a customer screamed... "HAMSTER!!!" and she was pointing to the cat pen.... you, escaped again...... and you almost got eaten up by the cats.... i carried you back... i scolded you..... just then, my boyfriend walked in.... i passed you to him..... and just like what he does to all hamsters, he flinched and almost swiped you away..... HOWEVER, he gave you a second look... and started stroking you....... he said :"he's got the nicest temperament of a hamster ive ever seen!" now my boyfriend isnt a fan of hamsters.... but i could tell.... it was love at first sight for him and you...... after he left, i begged my boss "pllleeaaaseee let me keep him!!!!" after much persuasion, my boss gave you to me...... i put u in a tank in my bag...... and brought you to my bf..... he was surprised and delighted to see you.... and he named you 'E.A'..... the Escape Artist....... you stayed with me for a year.... you got to know the guinea pigs, other hamsters and even my family...... but you never tried to escape ever again....... was it because, you were happy where you were? or was it because you were getting old? my bf cleared his room and had a whole lot of space..... so i brought you to stay in his place.... you stayed for months.... enjoying having all the attention and affection since you were the only hamster he had... (here, you have to share with many other animals) we found out that you knew your name..... when we called other names, you would not respond... but when we called YOUR name, you would raise your head..... you were a truly remarkable hamster.... you grew older... and thinner..... i wished i knew how old you were..... i wished i knew where your previous owners got you from..... you passed away on the 9th of july..... alone..... you didnt even wait for him to get home..... you didnt even say goodbye to me...... how could you...? now you've gone..... you left an empty space in our hearts..... we can no longer call out your name and see your response... we can no longer feed you corn..... we can no longer share tofu with you....... we can no longer hear you drinking your water.... we can no longer hear you digging away in the middle of the night... we miss you E.A..... and we hope you have been happy with us....... and forgive us for whatever we have not been able to provide for you...... we love you very much......  Tuesday, July 08, 2003
::::am i in the wrong?:::: you said to work together...to get us out..... you said you wanted to take care of me forever..... i believed..... so i took on a job which held no bonds.... so i took on a job that pays well so i can save enough.... so i got my mom to pull strings so the application for the job would hasten... so i made plans... so i look forward to the day, we would leave TOGETHER not just with a begging bowl in our hands...... so i almost missed a scholarship to japan just coz it crashes with the period you said we would leave..... all these... coz i believed.... i believed in you.... i trusted you.... all my plans.... had YOU..... im willing to sacrifice so many things...... jus to BE WITH YOU........ and you..... one phone call...... shattered all these plans... shattered all these foundation and base i built..... shattered all the dreams and security..... have you thought about me? have you thought about how much i worked hard just to be with you..... do you even give a damn????? im not your wife... im not your fiance..... you dont have commitments..... you have a job waiting for you up north... so you can just leave.... what do you have to lose????? absolutely nothing! but me.... i have no job up north... AND I DONT WISH TO WORK OR STUDY IN THAT FREAKING COUNTRY..... i have no business watsoever up north.... i just gained trust in my mom...... and now i have to break it? i just had my application gone thru for the job here........ i dont even have any freaking savings now!!!! have you ever thought about me..... maybe i should spare a thought about you.... you have an age over me.... you need the job... you need the money... you need the boost in your resume.... you need everything except me...... it's clear it cannot go on anymore isnt it...... it's clear we have to go seperate lives from now on..... it's clear that we cannot be together...... i hate long distance relationships... you can be fucking someone else there and who freaking noes...? and vice versa.... i cannot take sudden 'bombs' like this.... i cannot take insecurity like this.... promises you made are just empty promises..... all that we have built together over this one year plus.... is crushed just in one day..... i had believed...... i had trusted...... but you dont give a freaking damn... to our relationship...... you rather freaking throw it away JUST for YOUR sake..... YOUR resume...... YOUR future... not my sake... not my resume.... not my future...... it's never about me isnt it..... sayonara it's been a pleasure......... Sunday, July 06, 2003
::::ohigotsomanythingstosay!!!:::: wow wow wow wow wow!!!! i m sooooooooo............. wahhh so many things rushing thru my mind.... adrenaline rush!!! wooohoooo!!! life's kinda changed... and i hope it stays this way at least for awhile.... i almost moved out... so many things happened all at once... but most impt now is, I WANNA REVAMP MY BEDROOM!!! cammy's death-smell lingers... im really sad...... i buried her only today and she died..... errr... yesterday or the day before... (shit i need to write down the date... im forgetting things easily esp numbers) 5th of july..... uhmmnn she's very close to 3yrs old and thats very very old indeed.... my thots are all over the place! ugh! i need to throw out the shelf! i need to make some art-craft stuf to decorate the room walls! i need to paint it LIME GREEN!!!!!!! oooo!! i need to build new cage for the piggys!!!! i need to.......i need to..... i need to sleep now.... im so tired and i miss that guy... u noe that guy? that guy who only swatz me when i curse him on the blog but when good times, he never swats...... he only swats to scold me.... hahahahahahah i need to revamp my bedroom... i need to revamp my bedroom... i need to revamp my bedroom... i need to revamp my bedroom... i need to revamp my bedroom... i have adrenaline rush..... to revamp my bedroom.... HAHAHAHAHHAHA im not making sense.... btw, i just graduated...!!! yay! on independence day! yay! bleah! Thursday, July 03, 2003
Wednesday, July 02, 2003
::::loveeeesiiickkkkkk:::: IM SOOOOO LOVESICK!!!! I WONT GET TO SEE HIM TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!! FIRST TIME IN THE WHOLE WEEK I CANT SEE HIM...... :((((((((((( i feel like crying..... ::::look what i got in my email today!:::: Dear Friend, If I may crave your indulgence, I am moved to write you this letter; this is in confidence considering our present circumstance and situation which boils on political and fiscal. But I will not bore you with details of these troubles, rather I will tell you how you will earn US$3.5 Million by assisting me in this mutually beneficial and risk free transaction which I hope you will give your urgent attention. Due to the aforementioned political and fiscal situation I escaped from Monrovia with my immediate family to Europe where we are presently residing on temporary political asylum. I decided to change all my wealth deposited in Swiss banks into other forms of money coded for safe purpose because attempts were being made to freeze these treasures in European countries. We also had to change our identity so that our investments will not be traced and confiscated. This monies totalling Fifteen Million Eight Hundred Thousand United States Dollars (US$15.8M) I have deposited with a Diplomatic Courier Company for safekeeping. What I want you to do now is to indicate your interest that you will assist us by receiving the money on our behalf. Your area of daily specialisation will not be a hindrance to the successful execution of this transaction and the account required for this project can either be personal, company or an offshore account that you have total control over. After the money is in your possession I will later want you to buy properties, stocks in multi-national companies and engage in other safe non-speculative investments. I shall inform you about the next line of action as soon as I receive your positive response. Please kindly furnish me immediately by e-mail your telephone and fax numbers to enhance the confidentiality which this transaction requires. Please reply to my confidential email below. Regards, Sipho whut a nut-kase Tuesday, July 01, 2003
::::NOTICE:::: Dear Residents, CATS AT THE COMMON AREAS We have received feedback that cats have been loitering around at the common areas of the block. The cats dirtied the corridors as well as other common areas and could spread diseases. Henceforth, we would like to remind owners of the cats to kindly confine them within your premises. WE WOULD ALSO LIKE TO APPEAL TO YOU TO REFRAIN FROM FEEDING THEM IF THESE ARE STRAY CATS. THE TOWN COUNCIL WOULD ENGAGE CONTRACTORS TO CATCH ANY STRAY CATS FOUND AT THE COMMON AREAS. Your co-operation and support are very much appreciated and we hope to work towards a clean and pleasant living environment for all. Thank you. SEMBAWANG TOWN COUNCIL. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. really? the cats dirty the common areas? why dont u install a survillence camera and CATCH them in action, dirtying your precious common areas? you are all ass-holes. blame CATS for doing such things... when the culprits are actually people who LOITER the areas, consuming alcohol and maybe even drugs, making a din, eating their melon seeds and scattering the shells all over, littering the place with all their RUBBISH and u DARE BLAME IT ON THE CATS..... WHERE ARE YOUR BALLS MAN, FUCKERS???? 2. they spread diseases? dont worry, u ball-less fuck-wits. you will NEVER get diseases from them... but what you will get, i tell you, is BAD KARMA and u will BE CURSED for the rest of your lives if you ever lay a finger on the cats or ANY animal for that matter....... 3. you are lackeys and slaves to the 'ones-up-there'.... YOU are controlled by them, YOU do the dirty work and YOU get fucked..... either way, YOU get fucked..... by the public, or if you do not carry out orders, you get fucked by 'ones-up-there'... i believe god gave you a brain? use it! instead of chanting with PCK "use your brain! use your brain! use your brain!".... why dont you really make FULL use of it? you fuck-wits are real laughing stocks... i have enjoyed your notices very much..... but i fear what our future generation would be like if people like you continue to work in town councils... sheep and cows? baaaaaaaa to you... |
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