huge, empty space where an irritating fly lives in.....devoid of all feelings......
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Sunday, November 30, 2003
::::my life::::
i dont know i should be happy or sad....
there are two things i want in life... actually 3.......
and i got 2 fufilled now........
one is to have a loving bf/ husband.... whom i love and who can love me back... and understand me............
two is to have a doggie.. a collie to be exact....
three is to live my life with number 1 and number 2............somewhere far away from here...
i love G alot.....
but things are so unstable now...
location, jobs, etc etc etc.................
i love Benji alot too... altho he's only here with me for slightly more than a day............ i feel bonded with him already..... in fact, i felt a bond with him the first time i met him.... something which i never ever had before with other dogs......
not with Schnauzie (the black and silver schnauzer pup that i trained and cared for before she was sold in the petshop i used to work in)
not with the Collie at Ericson.... (altho she kept staying close to me when i visited her... and altho i want a female collie so much...)
not with the two huskies.... not even the white one........
i love timmi and lasse........ but they dont belong to me....
no doubt... timmi is G's and lasse is my good friend's......... but they are already bonded with him and her......
no doubt they listen to me... but they know they dont belong to me..... and i know when im with them, there is an invisible line which we do not cross... an invisible emotional-relationship kinda line.....
when i am sad or when i cry, it's not T&L with me.... coz they simple dont stay with me....
once, i cried when i was with them.... they didnt even bother.... they cant feel me..........
just an hour or so ago, after talkin to G on the fone, i lay on the bed and cried..........
and Benji..... walked over......
i carried him up beside me... and he started to lick my hand....
he didnt stop until i stopped crying.......
usually, he would gnaw on my hand..... but he was licking it when i cried.......... coincidence?
well maybe... but he stopped the moment i stopped crying.... coincidence too?
just one day... and my dog responds to my mood....
when people talk about dogs, they talk about unconditional love.....
tell me.. where else can i find this love?
did i not think it over before i got benji?
i was not the only contender to adopt him, mind u....
u tokin abt doggiesite... a forum that SO MANY people go to and SO MANY people replied to that thread for Benjy's adoption.......
i thot not only twice... i thot more than thrice!
i strongly feel that once this chance is missed, ill never get it again.....
ive always been asked to wait......... wait till things are more settled.... when im stable..... etc etc..................
yes... my life is VERY unstable now....
maybe im selfish... in the sense that i want benji to be with me... for company, for companionship, just to be 'someone' who will always be there for me.........
but i really wonder... how many actually know how i feel inside...
i feel in my bones.. that if i wait and pass up this chance, i may not be able to have any dogs...
why?
coz lookin at the way things are goin to go, my life will NEVER be stable...
i will NEVER be rich nor have a permanant house.... permanant roof over my head.........
if i do not fight for and 'earn' Benji now, i do not know when........
ive wanted a dog for the whole of my life... ever since i knew what a dog was (im not kiddin ok u can ask my dad)
my mom never approved of this....
i often wondered if G misses Timmi...
i know he does... but how can he stand being away from them?
it all boils down to CHOICE.........
i dont regret getting Benji...
he is NOT and NEVER will be a mistake in my life....
of coz, i wan to be with G....
and he is also another one whom i never regret being with... and is not and i very very much hope that he will never be a mistake in my life.......
i realli wonder... WHY OF ALL PLACES, CHINA????
if only the streets were clean..............................
somehow, i have mixed feelings...
somehow i just hope he quits after his contract expires.....
coz i know he's not meant to be there long....(i can den go for a holiday there and leave Benji with my family for a couple of months)
but that will also mean more uncertainties.......
on another hand, i jus hope he renews his contract for 2 more yrs.....
so i can join him WITH Benji.. (somehow i will persuade him)
i wish.. i wish i knew the future.....
i know everything happens for a reason.... and there will always be a road or pathway to thread on.......
but i just wish everything can be easier on me... for me....
giving benji up will never be on my mind...
giving G up will never be on my mind too...
i jus need to buck up... and crack my brains to pave a path that i can be with Benji AND G.. the 3 of us.....
i fought hard for G..
i fought fairly hard for Benji...
and i will fight hard for a future together..........
all i ask from G is more understanding and patience...
what will be will be...
by dec 18th, Benji would be trained enuf to stay by himself at nite (of coz will spend the day with him) so i can be with G at the resort....
by nex yr jan, Benji will be bonded with my dad... and i will drill responsibilties into him too.. so he can help take care....
funny i started out writing this blog in a negative 'tone' and end with a more positive 'tone'...?
am i seein a change in myself?
usually it's always from positive to neg, or neg all the way, or something that doesnt make any sense....
anyway, i keep reminding myself.. everything happens for a reason.. and i dont do regrets... *ive NEVER done regrets in my entire life.... tell me one thing i did before which i regret*
i believe i lost my hp for a reason too.. thats why im reluctant to get another... altho it means my dad will have to pay a fine if the line gets cut off....
i wish i can talk to Benji now but he is SO DEAD ASLEEP from the LONNNNNGGG walk at s'goon with Fluffie, Ackley and Refund.... (Refund doesnt like Benji.... he snarls and shows his teeth esp when they were in Fluffie's room)
he wont even budge from his sleepin corner when i went into a sneezing and coughin fit... (my throat is much worse btw.. but no more fever)
hahahah he's so tired but yet came over to lick me when i cried....
i thank God for giving me both Benji and G....
and i pray He will continue to bless me... and i know i have to work for it....
i also wish that my family and G are more supportive.... and i just wish they can believe in me... and not put me down so easily...
'u think it's easy to bring a dog out of the country?'
no it isnt and it'll never be. but it's all about choices and i WILL DO IT. FULLSTOP.
I didn't know throat infection can affect the whole body....
My whole body ached and my nose dripped and so much phlegm and so weak....
Am going to practise on my 3D software and play The Sims whole day today... provided I don't get too drowsy from the medication..... medicationsssssssssssss... I have SO MANY different types of medicine!!!!!!!! posted by Inoriz at 12:14 AM
Wednesday, November 26, 2003
::::it's been a bad day::::
i saw the husky today.... she's super cute and nice!
but because of many reasons, i cannot have her.
for the first time in my life, i lost my handphone.
i dont think im getting another.. just as well.. be uncontactable.
and when i die, nobody will know... coz all my contacts are in the phone.. my family cant call my friends to inform them...
the person i want to talk to most, has his hp line cut off too...
and it has to happen when something happens to me..... when others call him, they can talk to him..........
all these months... these months when i needed him most... he wasnt beside me.........now..... i just need to talk to him... i have to wait till at night when he goes home... and god knows what time........
im not angry with the people who so unkindly held on to the phone and unkindly OFFED it....
i know they will be cursed.. the whole family....
i make sure they are cursed.... they will die tragic deaths and i will smile when i read the news of a whole family dying becoz of a cursed handphone.....
why? coz the fone has all my messages from him.....
im just very sad to lose all those messages....................
im so tired.........
it doesnt help when your family is so fucking not understanding....
whatever...
i can go to hell... who cares... who gives a fucking damn? posted by Inoriz at 3:57 AM
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
::::make it a point to blog everyday::::
the title says it all!
anyway i have a shared blog at www.retromonks.net
im having a high fever now... dripping nose and unstable equilibrum in my head... it's tilting to the side... uncontrollable....
my throat's sore too...
have been going to Solutions 3 for my Cinema4D (3d software) training.. and have to go for the rest of this week.. up till saturday..
i hope i get a part time job as a trainer there...
i dont want to be full-time coz of many reasons........
i think my english sucks and i need to improve it... my vocab especially...
wish i could be as good as Glen... his english is just superb and i admit sometimes when he emails or writes, i have to check the dictionary... HAHAHAHAHA!
just realised how much i do appreciate friends around me... esp ppl like hamhams, sue, petrina, hama.. hamster peoples and those peeps at retromonks..., brighton esp...
frens? most are just aquaintances i guess.. i dont talk much except in both the hamster and retromonks forums.........
i just wonder why i dont go out often or talk with people of my age group.........
my friend drove me home one day when Glen smsed me to call him..
so i did and he asked where i was... so i told him my friend was driving me home....
G: girl or guy?
me: girl..
G: how come she has a car??
me: why cant she have a car???? i mean, she's old enough to have a car!
G: how old is she?
me: about ur age... (34)
G: how come all your friends are so aged?
me: so u r aged too ya? pedophile?
hahahahha
maybe i m the aged one in a person-under-21's body...
shit man...
ill be like 21 next yr but i have to wait till december before im OFFICIALLY 21....
thats sucks........
but i'll always be young......... as compared to the old man pedophile im with.. HAHAHHA im so bad.......
shit.. im rambling nonsense...
must be the fever...........
Nut is fatter now as compared to the day i brought him home........
he's still scared of me.........
i need to play the SIMS soon..... im going to burst.. spent $60 on the game and this ancient cant play it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i wish it were a mac! then at least i can troubleshoot it!
but noooo....!!! it's a bloody PC..............
damn u, microsoft! i hate u microsoft! u make my life bloody miserable and ill never ever buy the X-Box!!! nyaa nyaahh nyaahhhhh!
ive been thinking about this for a long time....
especially so after what happened few days ago between me and him...
what is love?
i watched the Matrix Revolutions last nite...
i cried, when i felt the love between Trinity and Neo...
i cried, when Trin died....
i cried, when Neo cried...
when i watched Reloaded few months back, i could feel the love between Neo and Trin...
Neo: "Trinity, I know you can hear me....I'm not giving up...I love you too damn much."
i told G, that the love between these two fictional characters, is the type of love i yearn to have....
i had forgotten about the movie... until last night....
each and everyone of us is given a purpose to live for....
Neo is THE ONE. the anomaly who doesnt belong to neither the Matrix nor Zion...
Morpheus is a program created to find Neo..
Trinity is a program created to 'continue the line' of Neo (go figure)
when Zion falls... it will be rebuilt, and it will fall again... and again.. and again....
this reminds me of Final Fantasy X...
Sin keeps coming back after the calm....
and Tidus always asks.... "whats the point?"
whats the point....?
ive read enough to want to know more...
all the info that's been weaved into movies and games...
i want to know more....
we r headed towards a 'cashless' society.. where work for humans will gradually be taken over by machines....
prophecies, will come true....
in Matrix Trilogy, there WILL be survivors... a handful of them.. so that Zion can be rebuilt by these people....
and so it can be destroyed again......
i feel strongly, that it's the case for our very own land... what will happen in the near future....
it all makes sense to me now....
trust urself and no-one else....
how can u know, that what u learned is all true if u do not question beyond just being told?
i wanna tell G that, whatever problems he's facing now at work, is insignificant....
i wanna tell G that he should focus on what is relevant and filter out irrelevant stuff...
it's only a SMALL PART... and it's not what he should be frustrated about....
in X-files, "the truth is out there"
find the truth.... and ignore those who do not deserve ur attention...
God will help those who believe in him and those who help themselves....
i will definitely get out of this place...
will definitely fight for my rights...
but how i wish, i can love like Neo and Trin...
the strong bond between them both....
so strong nothing can break them apart... not even the destruction of earth (Zion)
how i wish it was like this between me and him...
i wish frustrations will not get in between us....
how pathetic... i can only wish...
it is time, to fight for what i want.
and leave the irrelevant behind.
i HAVE to move on...
something is telling me i dont belong here and my purpose in life is not to be here...
is not to be what i have always been....
im thinking of all these, and suddenly everything else seems irrelevant...
marraige, studies, work, money, problems..... is all irrelevant...
i just want to be with the one i love...he who shares a common goal.....
