No word in the english dictionary can ever
describe how i feel now...
but words close to it:
-horrible...
-horrible.... and
-horrible......
What is Love?
why does it feel sometimes make you feel so
good that you could just feel like as if you were
floating in the air...but yet sometimes, it hurts and
stings like crazy.....
what is Love all about?
“I am still your friend. But nothing more than
that....”
those words stung me.....slapped me in my
face.....
what IS a friend???
i got to know a woman recently....by chance.....;
i sent a message to my long lost friend, Angela,
wondering if she was still at her old number.
“sorry. this isnt angela.”
M1 recycled Angela’s old number.... and i sort
of....chatted with this stranger.....
anyway, i expected to hear the last of her when we
bid each other goodnite that night.
however, she sent an sms to me the next day
“Hi! jus dropping a note to wish you have a good
weekend.”
at that time, my heart was already broken into
pieces... i couldnt bring myself to give a cheerful
reply....
“my bf just broke up with me, how can i have a
good weekend?...”
she was worried for me..... worried that i might do
something stupid....she even offered to meet up
with me to console me if i wanted her to...even
though we have never met.....even though we have
no idea who each other are........ she cared....
a stranger....is she a friend....?
i read Sumiko Tan’s article....
“ But if both parties haven't done any wrong, I'd
prefer to be the "dumpee" than the "dumper" any
day. Of course, it hurts like crazy when you
discover that a person no longer loves you. But
feeling hurt is any time better than feeling guilty.”
i cant help but ask myself over and over again....
“WHAT have i done wrong...???”
i would rather the relationship to end because of
something wrong i did.....e.g have an affair, or
made him angry etc......AT LEAST, i have myself to
blame rather than search for answers that i can’t
find.....
for a good friend of an opposite sex, ‘D’, to offer
me a cab ride........ someone who had always
treated me like a younger sister......does it really
mean that he was interested in me??
why is this world so weird?
is everything really in black and white that if it’s a
YES, it must be a 100% YES....if not, it’s a 100%
NO.....?
if there were feelings, i can feel it....
but me and D.....are clearly just good friends....
and really, “nothing more than that.”
however, i know the guy i love......had bad
experiences with his ex before.....
but i do not understand how come he had such
low confidence of himself......that he allowed
something like that to affect him so deeply, that he
was willing to let go of everything...........
am i really that worthless in his eyes....?
if someone had put him and D in front of me and
asked me to choose, WHO do you think i will
choose??
the answer is obvious.........
because, i DO NOT SPITE NOR SEEK TO
INTENTIONALLY HURT SOMEONE I LOVE SO
MUCH.....
someone i was sure that i could spend my entire
life with....
someone whom i was willing to overcome my
fears of having differences and move on with
him.....
someone whom i would love to hold forever.....
but now it seems like im clinging.....more than
holding on...........
why do i hesitate to go back with him
sometimes....?
he had ‘broken up’ with me many times
before..........
i dont understand why..........
maybe im afraid of this feeling......
very afraid...
phobia for feeling extreme sadness and
lonliness.....
phobia for missing someone who is not by my
side anymore......
afraid that...we are not really meant to be.....
he once told me that his ex did the same,
breaking up almost everytime they
quarelled......but yet, he was willing to patch things
up....willing to bounce back again....
he should know the feeling
of.......being.....jilted........
he is a man.....so he wont cry......
but me....?
i dont have that talent..... ive cried so much that i
forgot how to laugh.....
even my smiles bring tears to my eyes.......
all those happiness we’ve felt together in the
past.....
tossing and playing, being close to each other.......
do all these feelings just disappear....?
fade away like lousy prints on t-shirts.....?
how can anyone bear to let go so easily...........?
i dont know how to love him...
i dont know how to make him happy.....
i dont know what he expects of me......
i dont know what is Love.......
posted by Inoriz at 7:47 AM
::::expectations::::
u noe, when u expect SOMETHING (anything at all!), u will be disappointed
so u mite as well expect NOTHING
and in turn, dont have to live up to others' expectations.
so u know wat?
im just going to hide in a shell and not come out forever....
like WHO GIVES A FUCKIN DAMN???
if 2 in a relationship and im ALWAYS the one waiting and trying my best for everything.... SIMPLE things like being ON TIME etc...JUST to spend more time with that person........
but den, the other person just receives....and even may take it for granted.....
yes..... the other person DOES show care and concern in other areas....i appreciate.......but simple things are wat make life go on.....
simple things that i would expect......
the very very minimum in a relationship......
i dont need money, i dont need materialistic stuffs, i dont need big sacrifices......
am i really SO ECCENTRIC and hard to understand?
if others expect me to do this and that and i FUFILL their BASIC expectations, den WHY CANT MY SIMPLE AND BASIC EXPECTATIONS BE MET???????
life is so fucked up......
so from today, I WILL LIVE MY OWN LIFE AND WILL NOT HAVE TO ANSWER TO ANY HUMAN NOR GIVE ANY EXPLANATIONS WATSOEVER TO ANY PERSONS.
of coz.....i realise that it would worsen many relationships between me and anyone...... but u noe wat? if they didnt care in the first place, WHY SHLD I CARE???
i guess everyone wld probably think im an asshole etc....
to tell the truth, look at how many people drop by this blog, wondering how im feeling today??
so who's being the asshole?
im just me....
the rest can go fuck themselves.....
coz from today onwards, im just going to mind my own business...
and u r all free to mind yours....
(of coz u readers -if there's even any- knw that im actually ranting about ONE person.....who never bothers to drop by this place anyway...... so who cares???...i dont anymore)
posted by Inoriz at 8:07 AM
